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I’ve been tossing and turning for a week or so running these
topics through my head, for a myriad of reasons.
Let’s just start the groundwork by saying that I’m not a
particularly excitable person. It takes a lot to really get me riled up over
something, and I’m not one of those people that rolls over every morning,
springs out of bed and is eager to start my day. Unless it’s something fun.
On my best days, I’d probably call myself copacetic. On my
worst, a curmudgeon who finds fault in general, drab tasks and is just fine
being on my own, spending my days, beating myself up over this, that or the
other. I’m an introvert my nature, but can be a participant in conversation and
life when I’m in the right mood with the right people. Yet, I value silence
very much.
The correlation that I’ve found during my chosen sabbatical
from the everyday 9-to-5 is that, at every other point in my life, I’ve defined
myself by what I’ve done rather than who I really am or what I like to do. When
I was younger, it was school. I had to excel. As I got older, I defined myself
by my work ethic, to the point where my work defined my character, both inside
and outside of the office. A major part of that came from working within a
family business, where myself and my family went through a lot of really tough
years, and had to make very hard decisions. I took all of that home with me
because, when it’s your family, you don’t have much more of a choice. At my
previous position, I really threw myself into the work, eager to both please my
new boss and that’s just how I roll. I’ve rarely, in my life, had anything that
resembled a 40 hour week. I am, genetically designed, to be a workaholic. Don’t
get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I brought it on myself, very willingly. It's just an observation.
I’ve never been afraid of work; I’m still not. However, my
current situation has lead me to really ponder what’s important in life, especially
when it comes to societal normalcy. Having a stable job does fulfill a basic
need, if you like your job. If not, it’s about money, and collecting a
paycheck. Miserable or not, money is the root of all evil in this world, and I
feel forces us into positions where whatever life you had in you is sucked out,
but you keep doing it because that’s what you’re supposed to do. This is only
my opinion.
I’m well aware that many of you are not in my same position;
I’m 32, unattached, no kids. But I have a house with a mortgage, and adult
bills to pay. If I had some of the other factors that any of you reading this
had, my life would probably be different, as, hopefully, my partner or family
would be my main focus. Maybe a distraction from working that is not
all-consuming, with kids or loved ones. I am grateful for the time I’ve had to
myself to try and figure out where I am now, what I believe and what I see in
my future.
I guess the thing that I’m getting at here, is, for me,
being unemployed has lent itself to time for many deep and thoughtful
conversations with myself concerning the one big question, which is “who am I?”
Taking away the crutch of being defined by your employment position in life,
which, for me, has mostly been all-consuming for many years, for various
reasons, is kind of a conundrum.
There are certain attributes by which I define myself;
clearly I’m not perfect, but I try to stick to my own code, which generally
boils down to convictions concerning the length I would go to help someone I
cared about who was in need, to try and laugh off most things or handle them
with humor, to be as honest, kind and caring to those I love as I can, and to
tell them so. I’m smart and independent. I can talk music. But, for me, that’s
not good enough. It’s just the surface, because I haven’t really taken the time
to delve truly into the aforementioned statement: who am I? When I was younger,
I thought I had everything figured out, but I don’t. Clearly.
It’s been a challenging few weeks, but what I’ve learned,
which probably has the most impact, is that I personally feel like money isn’t
everything. It’s so, so tempting when you see dollar signs. You think of all of
the possibilities and how your life could change. But if you’re a 50+ hour
worker per week, trying to make all your best intentions and goals come true
may be difficult. Money is mandatory, because that’s what makes the world tick,
but for the really deep stuff—like digging around into your soul and finding
out your true passions—it isn’t.
Almost no one I know really loves their job, or garners
great satisfaction from it. I can’t really say I’ve ever had a job that I
absolutely loved. My favorite job ever was probably working at Guitar Center
when I was in my early 20s, because, at the very least, I was surrounded by
music all day and awesome people.
I think that first, it’s essential to define yourself and
really stick to who you want to be. We’re only around for a short time and
values change, priorities change. We spend most of our life at work; shouldn’t
it be something at least a little gratifying and fulfilling? Don’t we all
deserve a shot at that?
So this is where all of the topics come together: chasing
happiness by really getting to know yourself and to stop convincing yourself
that all life is is an endless rat race and we’re trying to reach the finish
line before we burn out or drop dead. If a larger portion of your personality
is defined by the work you choose and your work ethics, I feel that I’m too old
at this point to get stuck at a job that I hate or have thoroughly outgrown,
where the challenge is gone and it’s endless monotony. No growth or challenge
makes me a dull girl.
Happiness, for me, lies in other places, the corners of your
mind you haven’t had enough time to develop or explore. It’s putting in a hard
day’s work and ending it feeling accomplished. It’s time with friends when you
can’t stop laughing and can’t believe you’re surrounded by such amazing people
and how lucky you are that they and their families are in your life. It’s your
family, depending upon your relationship with them. It’s being independent and
creative and pushing yourself to expand and hone your talents, whether you knew
you had them or not. It’s finding, and sticking to, your creative outlets so
that those things bring you satisfaction and joy, and you don’t need that
crutch of the eternal, “so what do you do?” question looming over you.
I realize this is all fairly idealistic, but why not? When
did it become frowned upon to be someone who wants to pursue their passions in
lieu of doing a job that just plain sucks? Where’s the internal spark, the
fire? I’m tired of settling.
Thanks for Reading,
A
