Thoughts About Being 29 and a Half

Today, I have decided that I am grateful for almost being 30.

That may sound a little weird, but hear me out.

I have passed the milestone of 27, so apparently I am not destined to be a rocker or tragic hero, as I so pictured myself in my youth.Live fast, live hard, die young. Apparently I maneuvered past that at some point, so, yay me.

I have survived college, barely. Not because of lack of smarts, but quite the opposite. I had decided that I was too smart for that bullshit to have to continue to attend and someone should just give me a degree because it was a waste of my valuable time. Thank you, Overblown Ego. I made it through after much kicking and screaming. I even took additional college courses (which I swore, after I graduated, that I would never do again) in Accounting and Graphic Design by my own accord. I'm even fairly certain that Grad School is going to happen in my early-to-mid-thirties. I think I'm finally going to break down and get my English degree, but that's another topic for another day.

I have survived my first real love and subsequent broken heart. And feeling feelings about other relationships. I'm still licking my wounds from time to time, believe it or not, but it's made me a much better person (and not nearly as passive).

I have survived my own interpersonal relationships with others, falling apart, becoming fractured, breaking and mending over the years, including my family and people I considered close friends.  On the other hand, I've rebuilt relationships with people I hadn't talked to in years and things fall into place, like they never changed.

I've been a borderline alcoholic, addicted to diet pills, a smoker, a stoner, in therapy, on medication and in treatment for many of my potentially fatal flaws over the years, but much of that was a learning process and, for that, I am grateful. I've reached a point where all of those things have either fallen off my radar or adjusted to a manageable level. Yes, I'm kind of a head case, but aren't we all? The only difference is that I own up to it and make great effort to keep my shit together and off of other people's plates.

I have a house, a car, rad friends, a (fairly) stable job and a few pennies to rub together. Not many, but a few. I'm not affluent by any stretch, but I don't live in desolation. I often rob Peter to pay Paul, but I never don't make it work or don't pay my bills. I have a tight sense of budget, diligent work ethic and definitely know the value of a dollar.

I've weeded out most of the people from my life who are not good people and are toxic and destructive to myself and others. I've chosen to surround myself with positive, supportive and, mainly, hysterical individuals whom I keep very close to my heart and they help keep me sane. I am grateful for them and their ridiculous senses of humor and fantastic company constantly.

I think what spurred all of this is that I actually saw someone today at Target that I used to consider a close friend, but have since learned that he is an addict and a liar and I, along with others, were fooled. Without going into detail and berating an individual within an inch of his life, seeing him made me grateful that he's not in my life anymore and that I don't have to be concerned with that interpersonal relationship. It is a breathe of fresh air and it reminds me how far I've come in my 20s and how I feel that, upon entering a new decade, I've laid a lot of the groundwork for success in the years ahead. It came with a lot of blood, sweat and tears, amongst other things, but it's here and I look forward to starting that new chapter of my life and leaving my 20s behind as memories and lessons learned.

Senses: June 21, 2011 

Sounds: This morning it was the Decemberists. I just wanted to listen to some epic, concept albums in the background while I was working. I ended up listening to "The Crane Wife," "Hazards of Love" and the newest, "The King is Dead." I left my iTunes on random much of the afternoon and then started listening to an old Nerdist podcast (#37: Live at Bumbershoot, in case you're interested) to finish up the work day. Previously, I had only been listening to the Nerdist when I was at the gym because most of them are 45 mins - 1 hour and I stay engaged because it's new, but I haven't been to the gym for a while and I have a million to go through, so I gave in this afternoon. I listened to some Thao with the Get Down, Stay Down in the car on my way home ("Know Better Learn Faster"). I turned on Pandora when I started writing and my station, which I had spent months crafting, was MIA. Hopefully, this is only a temporary blip and it will be restored. So, instead, I listened to the Classic Indie Station (seriously? There's "Classic Indie?) and it immediately played The Cure, who I hate. Robert Smith haunts me, for some reason. He looks like a batshit crazy, old queen and I always think he sounds like Azrael Abyss in my head.

Sights: Obviously, that Bastard that I saw in Target was a sight today that spurred this outpouring of thoughts about my place in life and apparent need to self-validate the last ten years of my existence and what they mean to me today. So, I guess that is turning lemons into lemonade, eh? (I just turned Canadian, did you see that?)

Taste: Today, I enjoyed my lunch of leftovers greatly, which consisted of chicken Parmesan that I made with my dad on Father's Day, paired with leftover squash and zucchini from dinner last night that reheated in a lovely fashion and were, again, delicious. I love squash. I also had tomato soup (Campbell's, canned, Healthy Version, made with skim milk instead of water) and a weird grilled cheese and turkey pepperoni sandwich that I made with the ends of bread. I didn't eat until after 9:30 tonight, so I figured that was an acceptable dinner.

Touch: Today, it was raining outside when I left the house to go to work and I appreciated it, because it meant I got to wear my favorite rain hat (I don't really like umbrellas, I always fuck them up in some manner or another), so that was okay. I did note, as I walked outside this morning, that even though it was the beginning of a humid day that I thought the light rain was nice.

Smell: No particular smells today. My sinuses are still kind of fucked, though, and I've been blowing my nose all day, but I think the thing that resonated the most today was the grilled cheese and soup I made. Even though they're not super distinctive, they always are comforting and remind me of when I was a kid.

Daily Recap: A little humble, reflective and slightly melancholy, but feeling hopeful about the future. I have a lot to do tomorrow, so my goal is to stay as focused as possible to complete all tasks at hand. Focus, focus, focus. I did revisit Keri Smith's blog today and it reminded me of how much I love her. She's very whimsical and makes fantastic books that aim to bring out the creative side and kid in all of us and to learn how to play again in such a stoic, adult world. Her books and Patton Oswalt's book ("Zombie, Spaceship, Wasteland") are next in my line to buy.

Time for Quiet,
A

Editor's Note: Not all my entries will be so reflective. I think it's just where I am right now, so if you power through it and stick with me, I promise they'll get funnier and broader. I'm not apologizing for anything I'm writing, but I just want the new reader to know that I have the capacity to be much more entertaining and smart and witty and funny. Just not today. Today is a day for reflection.